Packing

I could tell from his woeful eyes and drooping beak that my puny pal Pavo the parakeet was having another massive headache.

“You look like something the cat dragged in mes amigo,” I said jauntily, hoping perchance to cheer his churlish mood.

“Not a prime choice of words my mindful mentor,” said Pavo, squinting past his pain. “But this time it’s not Phallix the cat’s fault. It was that ear splitting racket and those nostril nipping smells last night. My head is hammering and my sinuses are stuffed.”

“I’m sorry about that budgie buddy, but I’m thinking about moving to Texas and I’m getting myself ready.”

“Texas? The land of battle grounds, cattle pens and rattlesnakes? Isn’t that dangerous?”

“Not if you’re prepared.”

“Prepared for what Big Guy?”

“For freedom. Nowhere is that better exemplified than in the land of Bowie, Houston and the Alamo.”

“What does that have to do with all the noise last night.”

“I was practicing packing.”

“Why don’t you just call a moving company. They’ll do it for you for a small fee. And quieter too.”

“You don’t understand wee one. I’m talking about packing, as in packing heat.”

“I’m out in the cold on that one Big Guy. Maybe you can warm it up.”

“I’m preparing for my new found freedom to walk the streets. You can’t do that around here safely.”

“What does wanting to be a Texas streetwalker have to do with all that noise and smell last night.”

“I was testing my new personal protection device, my Calico Liberty III.”

“A new cat? Who needs a new headache? We have one too many already.”

“An acronym for a new firearm my friend.”

“I’d guess from all the racket that it worked.”

“Better than expected. Of course the cellar wall has a few holes but that’s the least of my concerns. Now I feel safe.”

“Safe from what?”

“Career criminals.”

“You’re not talking about politicians again are you?”

“Not this time. But if a dangerous criminal enters my home or crosses my path, I’ll be ready. One shot or a hundred, I can dole out justice in seconds.”

“But isn’t it a crime to just shoot someone like that?”

“Not in Texas. The governor there is a believer in true equality and in the great Texas heritage. He likes the idea of the good old days of traditional 4-H Texas values, a holster on every hip and a hand on every holster. Every campus will now be free of fear. Even kindergarteners will be free”

“Gee. I don’t know about all this macho stuff Big Guy. Suppose someone gets killed by mistake. That’ll just give the anti gun nuts something to crow about.”

“Fear not my feathered friend. We know that mistakes happen but it’s not the fault of the gun. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. If more victims understood firearms, there would be fewer victims.”

“A suspect syllogism Big Guy.”

“Perhaps. But always remember, if guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns. And, with everyone carrying heat, the outlaws will be outgunned and will think twice about using one.”

“I’m still not convinced BG. But suppose you happen to get caught in a cross fire and your gun is unloaded. What do you do?”

“Just find a good place to hide while you insert the clip. Fifty or a hundred. Then fire away.”

“But where do you get the right to do that?”

“Right there in the Bill of Rights,” I said, pointing to my well worn civics book on the shelf beyond his cage. “10th Ammendment gives the states the rights to cover anything not covered in the Constitution. And the 2nd Ammendment makes gun ownership the law of the land.”

“But I thought that was about forming a militia.”

“A misreading of the small print little one. I am one of the people and it says very clearly that no one can infringe on my right to bear arms.”

“I’m confused about your right to go sleeveless B.G. We avians have been cheated you know. It says nothing about the right to bare wings. It’s blatant discrimination.”

“Not b-a-r-e foolish fledgling, it’s b-e-a-r. It’s about the right to carry weapons.”

“But where did those Constitutional rights come from?”

“The framers of the Constitution were good, God-fearing Christians so the Constitution was founded on basic Christian principles.”

“So you’re telling me that the Constitution was founded under the hand of God, a Christian God.”

“That’s correct.”

“Ergo, the right to bear arms is God given BG. Is that what you just said?”

“That’s also correct.”

“Then that’s why birds are not included.”

“You lost me in your convoluted logic wee one.”

“Only man is founded in the image and likeness of God correct?”

“According to the good book.”

“Then if man is founded in the image and likeness of his Creator, and the right to bear arms is Constitutional and if the Constitution is founded on Christian principles, then God probably carries a gun true?”

“I’d never thought of it that way, but your logic does seem to follow.”

“And, most likely, it could be something like a Calico Liberty III.”

“How do you conclude that?”

“Think about it. UZI’s come from Jewish Israel and Kalashnikov’s come from atheist Russia and SKS’s come from soulless Communist China. Then logical theology would suggest that God’s gun of choice would be a good Christian model, a Merikan-made Calico perhaps.”

“It does seem to follow.”

“But how would we ever find out for sure Big Guy?”

“I’m afraid it will have to remain as one of life’s deeper mysteries little one. Unless, of course, you’re just dying to find out.”