ED

Yesterday, as I walked up to his cage to refill his seed cup, Pavo hopped onto his perch, leaned closer to the side as I approached and cleared his throat to get my attention. “I have a new question for you Big Guy. It comes from your blog.”

Pavo’s the main subject of my blog and he’s quick to correct me if I put any of his activities in a bad light. “Okay.” I said. “What’s wrong this time, budgie buddy?”

“I was peeking over your shoulder the other day while you were scrolling through your messages and I noticed a comment from a lady who said that if Viagra was more readily available in Texas, there might be less need for guns and stuff. I have no experience with Viagra so maybe you can tell me about its appeal.”

“It’s a hard subject to explain Pavo but even though I’ve never tried it, I’ll give it a shot.”

“Fire away Big Guy. I’m always ready to learn about whatever stirs your juices.”

“There are two survival processes in humans that are in conflict, (1.) the need to procreate as a species and (2.) the process of aging in individuals. And they influence the sexes differently.”

“And that creates an uncivil war?”

“No. But it offers an opportunity for someone to make mucho money.”

“How does that work?”

“As you know from watching TV ads, some products make bundles of money for their makers, everything from cars to clothes to medicines. And it’s medicine makers that cash in on this one.”

“Viagra cures an illness?”

“Not an illness Pavo, a condition. It’s known as E.D.”

“If I get E.D. can I get cured with Viagra?”

“Let me put it this way Pavo. How do you feel when a beautiful young female comes near you? You have a wild urge to get together with her and make little parakeets, correct? Technically, that’s called ‘procreation’ or less technically ‘mating’. It’s also known as making babies.”

“I know what you’re saying B.G. We had this conversation a few months ago and I nixed the idea because you wanted me to do it in public with a minimum of four females.”

“But Viagra’s Little Blue Pill could make a difference Pavo. Put some hair on your chest and a spring in your step, – figuratively, of course.”

“I saw a Viagra ad from one of your golfing magazine pages on the bottom of my cage B.G. and I’ve seen a couple TV commercials featuring macho men who use it. I can see why you don’t quite fit the mold and why you might not be interested. But there’s a short story in micro-fine print that disappears before I get a chance to read it. Do you have any idea what that’s all about?”

“That’s a disclaimer.”

“A dish claimer?” The feathers above his eyes arched in amazement. “You get dishes with it?”

“Not a dish-claimer Pavo. A dis-claimer. Things that could go wrong. The advertiser is required to show possible side effects..”

“Now you’re you telling me that my sides might be affected? Does that mean sore ribs? That’s really weird.”

“Not your ribs, but it might muddle your eyesight. And that presents a paradox. Just when you want to see something get firmer, squinting may make it seem squishier.”

“But what about other mating medications. What about the stuff used in bathtubs? Doesn’t that do the same thing?”

“Cialis is mostly in play for those unexpected romantic moments.”

“And Viagra isn’t?”

“It’s a matter of nuance Pavo. Viagra has more appeal to REAL men and their needs while Cialis is better ‘when the time is right’ for romantic men. Wives in their ads obviously adore it.”

“And which type are you, macho or romantic?”

“Depends on my mood but I can go both ways Pavo. I’m ambisextrous.”

“But mating while in separate bathtubs looks pretty awkward though someone like Seymour, your goldfish who lives on your credenza, might be able to pull it off, flipping from one tub to another. But I still don’t understand what the bathtubs have to do with it.”

“Pay attention Pavo. TV commercials are aimed at a segment of the male population that may be near to or already in my age group. That means fuzzy vision, thin hair, crow’s feet, crinkled wrinkles and all sorts of anatomical sagging. Slumping below the edge of the tub should hide most of these conditions. And if you’re in the darkness and there’s no moon you might shave twenty years off your appearance.”

“By the way B.G., those tubs are always on the edge of a beach, on a mountain top or on a patio next to a pool. And what about the effect of soothing bath water? The tubs don’t seem to be connected to anything.”

“An astute observation Pavo. And if they are filled with water I’d guess that whoever put them there also carried all the buckets needed to fill them. After all that action, the guy who did it would be ready for a nap rather than the magic pill.”

“I have another concern.”

“What now?”

“I’ve noticed that these advertisements are aimed at men. Is there a similar product for women?”

“Let me put it this way Pavo. There’s no market for one. But there are other tried and true ways to get females in a romantic mood.”

“I bet that’s difficult.”

“Easier than you think Pavo. A bit of sweet talk, plus a bauble of jewelry, a box of bon bons or a bouquet of flowers will often be enough. But if your lady lover is given a choice among jewels, candy, flowers or the magic effect of some sort of Femin-ux pure pleasure pill, the pill will be their last choice. Women may believe in romantic magic but they won’t uncross their ankles until they’re really in the mood – naturally.”

“I’m afraid females are just too complicated for me B.G. and without a credit card I’d be an also-ran. So if there’s such a thing as celibacy for parakeets, I think I’d better look into it.”

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About D. B. Guy

ex-traveler, ex-Navy vet, ex-depression baby, long time retiree, current lounge chair occupant, husband, grandfather, computer novice-junkie, man-about-town(ret.), jolly good fellow
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2 Responses to ED

  1. Jean says:

    Dear Mr. Guy,

    Pavo invariably asks you some thought provoking questions. From his perspective as an avian, all he has to do to find a mate is to attract her attention with his brilliant plumage and possibly ward off a few other males. Then they build a nest together in a tree and raise a family. Come winter, they all migrate south for the winter. Simple.

    Humans are a mite more complex. The female is the one that works hard at the brilliant plumage. Domestic life requires more than just a nest in a tree. The male labors and schemes to build a mansion in the Hamptons so the whole family can fly south, first class, to their “nest” in Palm Beach for the winter. That takes more than just a few cupfuls of seed to provide for, you know. By that time, the male is too exhausted for nature’s way of procreation, so he needs some help from Viagra or Cialis. The sweet young thing “Trophy Wife” only needs to fawn and fake her affection to be receptive to procreation.

    As we know, menopause shuts down the procreative process in the female and a similar limiting circumstance takes place in the male. Perhaps not quite with the passionate gymnastics of youth, the couple still remembers how to ”Love and Be Loved in Return.”

    Maybe we humans should take a page from our avian friends’ book. We could save a bundle on L’Oreal products, designer clothing and Tiffany jewelry to say nothing of ED prevention.

    Aloha!

    Jean

    • D. B. Guy says:

      Maybe we humans still have the best system after all. I can’t imagine head butting like mountain goats or chest pounding like lowland gorillas just to maintain a harem. I must admit that I like having the female as the flamboyant one because advances in female clothing design and makeup have led to a significant improvement in my vision.

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